Selfishness
by Byakuxhisa4eva
Summary: She'll love him forever, she swears she will, but she knows she doesn't deserve too. Companion piece to 'The True Meaning of Strength.' [ByakuyaxHisana] SPOILER ALERT!


Author's Note: This is the companion piece to 'The True Meaning of Strength." It's basically the thoughts on the Byakuya x Hisana relationship, but in Hisana's point of view. Writing isn't my strongest point, so forgive me if there are any really lame/pointless/repeatative/confusing scenes. Oh yes, and a important note. You may notice some parts that suggest the fact that Hisana deserved to die. But I that's (owing to my horrible writing skills) not what I mean. It is that Hisana thought she deserved to die more than anyone else to doing what she considered horrible things in life. Don't get me wrong, but I support the Byakuya x Hisana pairing VERY MUCH. Constructive criticism is welcomed.

**Selfishness**

Byakuxhisa4eva

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. If I did, Hisana would will be alive so Byakuya wouldn't be constantly drowning himself in depression...**

Hisana always wondered why her Byakuya-sama loved her. He was the head of the most important of Noble families, a high-ranking shinigami, and a very handsome man. She was meerly filth from Rukongai who abandoned her own sister to survive. They were complete opposites. Yet he still loved her. Hisana loved him too, but her guilt at abandonning her own sister kept her from express her true feelings. Oh, Byakuya-sama...

Hisana knew she wasn't worthy. Who was she to be the center of Byakuya Kuchiki's life, when she never returned the affections he showed her? It hurt her so much to see her husbands face when he looked at her. She hurt so much inside. When Byakuya-sama looked at her, she could tell that he was thinking:"Why don't you love me?" But never told him she did. Hisana did love him. With all her heart. Yet she could never truly tell him that until the guilt and regret from her past was vanquished.

She wasn't the only one that thought she wasn't worthy. The members of the Noble House of Kuchiki thought so too. They scorned her. Mocked her. Even thought they bowed in her presence (her being the wife of the head of the family), she could tell they didn't mean it. The other noble families were disgusted by her. But they dare not say anything about it in Kuchiki Byakuya's presence. At their wedding ceremony, Hisana the scorn of the party. Byakuya-sama had clearly stated that anyone who touched a hair on his wife's head would regret it for life. Everyone believed him, so there were no blunt insults. They simply glared. They put her down and pretending as though she were some fake that had tricked the Great Noble into marriage only to gain status. But for Byakuya-sama's sake, she took it all with her head held high.

She couldn't let him worry about her anymore than he already did. In the five years since they were married, she grew weaker each day. But she still continued to search for Rukia each passing day. How could she live a happy life, filled with warmth and love, with no fear whatsoever, when her baby sister was out there fending for herself in one of the worst districts of Rukongai? Every day, Hisana journeyed deeper and deeper into Rukongai. Even as she was searching, she was plagued with fears. What if Rukia had gone to a different district? What is she had been kidnapped? What is she had already...died?

As hopeless as it seemed, Hisana kept searching. She spent most of her day in Rukongai, from sunrise to sunset, and when she returned home, it was already dark. When she passed throught the door, Byakuya-sama was always the first one she saw. She was told by a servant that Kuchiki-sama refused to go to sleep until she was back safely. Hisana smiled when she learned that. Yet she felt her guilt grow. She was barely spending any time with Byakuya-sama, and she knew it wasn't fair to him. He had provided her with everything she had ever wanted, yet he was giving so little in return.

Hisana knew she was selfish. Byakuya-sama was the giver, and she was the taker. She tried to make up for it. She always tried to smile, even in the saddest moods, and make him feel like all his efforts weren't going to waste. Hisana was sad. With each day, she knew she was growing weaker. Her body wouldn't move the way she wanted too. Hisana knew that she didn't have much time left, she had to hurry, or she would never find her sister. Her trips in Rukongai only worsened her condition. Her coughing fits increased, and lightheadedness became part of her daily life. She knew her Byakuya-sama was becoming worried. When they were eating, his gaze was constantly on her, his deep grey eyes reflecting the concern he never showed anyone else.

She told him not to worry, she told him she would be fine, but he didn't listen. He never questioned her again on the matter, but she could tell that Byakuya-sama was very concerned about her well being. She shouldn't have done that, make his worry, and it was all because she was so selfish. Hisana hated herself. As her guilt each day grew, her condition became worse and worse. Unohana-taicho said that she didn't have long to live. But Hisana already knew that. Not wanting to burden him anymore, she never told Byakuya-sama that she would soon be gone. That would just worry him more. He would forget his duty to stay by her side. She couldn't let him do that. She had already taken far to much from him. And Hisana slowly began to wilt. One day, she collapsed.

The first thing she saw when she opened her eyes was the concerned face of Kuchiki Byakuya.His usually emotionles grey eyes were flooded with concern, and Hisana found herself being overwhelmed by how much Byakuya-sama cared. He had refused to leave her bedside until his wife was better. Periods of recovery were rare, and often very brief. But even then, she continued to search through Rukongai for Rukia, which worsened her condition to the extreme.

Before Hisana knew it, she was on her deathbed. She had never found Rukia. For the first time in a long while, Hisana cried. She knew she deserved to die. Hisana knew she would never be forgiven for her sins. She had tried so hard, yet now all her efforts seemed pointless. The soothing coolness of Byakuya-sama's palm was her only light in times of darkness. But the pain in his eyes as he gripped her hand was unbearable. Hisana knew that she had lived her life in sorrow and apologies. To Rukia, she was sorry for abandoning her. To the Kuchiki family, she was sorry for ruining their traditions. But to Byakuya-sama, Hisana felt the most sorry. Hisana was sorry that she never had a chance to return his love. All because Hisana was selfish.

_Think of your condition..._

Hisana knew she was going to die, she had escaped death far too many times. It was finally coming to take what rightfully belonged to him.

_Speak no more..._

But Hisana knew that this was the only chance she would get to fix what she could, before she passed on, even if she could never do it with a peace of mind.

_Hisana..._

It wasn't until Hisana was dying that Byakuya finally understood, that Hisana had given him a far greater gift than he could ever give her. The chance to love another, something which he knew would never exprience again. As payment to Hisana, Byakuya resolved, no matter what the cost, that he would put Hisana's spirit to peace.

It was the least he could do.


End file.
